Farewell Earth… and remember 14 years exactly!
Dear Humankind,
It has long been my intention to document my exploits and share the immeasurable vastness of my eternal greatness with you. I do not seek your adulation, though I am certain that once you realise the sheer breadth of my achievements and the role that I have played* in uplifting you ignorant and self-congratulatory species, your collective selves will find their jaws dropping to the floor and their eyebrows touching the sky (or however it is that you choose to express shock).
Coming back to the point of who I am and why I am so important to your species. My current name** is Jack Timeless and I am a timeless time traveler. While the word time traveler is self-explanatory, timeless means that the regular depressing of effects of time don’t apply to me. Unlike you, I don’t age, decay, or rot and certainly won’t die of old age since my body doesn’t decay with time. I’ve been with you since your ancestors learned to come down from the trees and walk around in two limbs instead of four. Funny story actually, I’ve actually revealed the whole story of why the apes came to evolve into you. Its in the form of a song – see the Jungle Book to watch King Louie’s reaction when he met man and you’ll know what I am talking about.
As this stage, I’d like to set the record straight. I know there are skeptics amongst you who doubt my words and consider my writings to be the ramblings of a demented man. To you, I say “*&%$#^*”. No, don’t roll your eyes man! Your afterlife just got eternally interesting. To those who believe what I write, I say “*&%$#^*”. You afterlife will be equally interesting. Baa Ha Ha Ha.
To make things clear and rest your fettered souls. I am neither a divine creature nor am I an alien. I am simply a real estate dealer, albeit of cosmic proportions. Earth was my property before your species even existed. It’s a family heirloom. I just took more active interest in it than my fore fathers ever did. And you should be thankful for that!
Anyways, I’ve been advised that to make for a compelling read of my account of your collective lives, I must explain my rationale for writing this letter. Well its simple – I am bored. I’ve done all I could to set your species on the path to everlasting success. Unfortunately, despite all your material advances and the occasional glimmer of hope, you are largely similar to your apish ancestors.
Unfortunately for you, I’ve peaked into your future possibilities and they are quite dim I must say. As a result, I’ve decided to part ways with your species. I reckon that without my guiding hand to steer you through perils largely of your own making you will not last long. In fact, as a way of recouping my investments in you, I’ve started an intergalactic wager on how long you will last before you implode. The bets are on ‘when’ and not ‘if’ you will implode. I trust you will do your long time benefactor one last favour and erase yourselves exactly 14 years from the date of publication. On this happy note..
Au Revoir my friends…or not!
Yours Truly
Jack Timeless
*A decision that the high council has repeatedly questioned after you have single handedly put your entire fucking planet on a trajectory of mass extinction. I am being audited because of you fuckards! Can you imagine producing paper trails for decisions taken 5000, 10000, or a 100000 years ago? God I miss the dinosaurs – those gentle angels,
** When you run loops around time, you tend to get bored with the same name after a point of…well, time. Unlike you boring selfs, I’ve rarely kept the same name for more than a few trips into time. Besides, it helps keep records (and maintain a clean audit trail, though the accountants shed tears of blood everytime I change my name) when you have different names in different trips. It also helps to have conversations with yourself if you happen to bump into yourself during a trip. And no, there is no world changing, fabric of space-time destroying paradox that ends the world if you meet yourself in the past.